Let me first say, I'm fine...I'm not going crazy. I'm just reflecting and thought I would write it out. This blog is in part a journal for me to look back on. What I'm about to say is emotional and some might think, a little over the top, but I assure you I'm ok and just felt the need to chronicle this subject. I also realize that for some this is a very emotional subject, so I apologize if it is not sensitive to some of my greatest friends.
Someone asked me recently if the wait was harder to adopt than pregnancy. Um...it is a million times harder to wait this time around. It is like you are pregnant for a year and a half and have no idea when you will have your baby in your arms. You are uncomfortable, have a hard time sleeping, can't stop thinking about your baby, you are more hormonal than when pregnant, and you don't have the movement of your baby to comfort you. Eating the right things won't help to make your baby strong and healthy and you don't have a good excuse for gaining weight. I used to compare the emotions of the adoption to pregnancy, but now I realize the two don't even compare. I was a controlling new mom. I nursed Rhett all day long. He only slept in my arms. When I wasn't holding him my arms felt empty. I had to let go of all control with M. My arms feel empty. She is being raised by others now and not in a way of a mother full of love. I know she is getting love, but it is just different. I ache for my baby and I have no idea when we will be together. I wish I had 9 months to count down...
Let me add, I feel blessed beyond words to be able to experience both the joys of birth and the joys of adoption. How lucky am I?
Ok, now I know Dan is going to call and ask if I've lost it and say that this is way too personal for our blog, but I don't think so and NO I haven't lost it.