Thursday, February 5, 2009

Adoption VS. Pregnancy

I had to include this grotesque picture of me from four years and a couple of months ago...just a little shock and awe before an emotional post.
Let me first say, I'm fine...I'm not going crazy. I'm just reflecting and thought I would write it out. This blog is in part a journal for me to look back on. What I'm about to say is emotional and some might think, a little over the top, but I assure you I'm ok and just felt the need to chronicle this subject. I also realize that for some this is a very emotional subject, so I apologize if it is not sensitive to some of my greatest friends.

Someone asked me recently if the wait was harder to adopt than pregnancy. Um...it is a million times harder to wait this time around. It is like you are pregnant for a year and a half and have no idea when you will have your baby in your arms. You are uncomfortable, have a hard time sleeping, can't stop thinking about your baby, you are more hormonal than when pregnant, and you don't have the movement of your baby to comfort you. Eating the right things won't help to make your baby strong and healthy and you don't have a good excuse for gaining weight. I used to compare the emotions of the adoption to pregnancy, but now I realize the two don't even compare. I was a controlling new mom. I nursed Rhett all day long. He only slept in my arms. When I wasn't holding him my arms felt empty. I had to let go of all control with M. My arms feel empty. She is being raised by others now and not in a way of a mother full of love. I know she is getting love, but it is just different. I ache for my baby and I have no idea when we will be together. I wish I had 9 months to count down...

Let me add, I feel blessed beyond words to be able to experience both the joys of birth and the joys of adoption. How lucky am I?


Ok, now I know Dan is going to call and ask if I've lost it and say that this is way too personal for our blog, but I don't think so and NO I haven't lost it.

14 comments:

BROWNTOWN said...

Autumn, I don't think you have lost it and if anything, you are handling this wait very patiently. I can not even fathom what you and Dan are going through and how hard it must be. I am glad you were able to blog about it and I hope writing it out helped a little. 5 more days till court. We have been thinking about you and baby M every day. We love you guys!

More Dorrs said...

Thanks for being so honest! The waiting is so hard, and made even harder by the fact that most people around don't get it.

Thinking about M and your court date.

-b

dad-gramps said...

Keep taking about it and getting it out. . . So sorry and agian I only wish I could make the hurt go away. Take care. Love Dad

Erin and Keith Sager said...

Autumn, you have not lost your marbles. I so appreciate your thoughts. I have never been pregnant, but this wait is one of the hardest things I have done up until now, and to know I am not alone, comforts me. I have been obviously feeling down, I know my time will come, just wish I had a due date too. Thanks again P.S. Love the photo of your tummy

sarah said...

From my perspective, adoption seems a million times harder. And you're such a caring, hands-on mom, I can't even comprehend how hard it's been to wait around, knowing that you're baby is there in Ethiopia, waiting to go home. Hopefully next week there will be a BIG light at the end of the tunnel!!

Eryn said...

I totally agree Autumn. I find myself comparing this journey to being pregnant too. I just told someone this morning, It's like being pregnant infinitely. You have no idea when this baby will be here, but all the desire to nest, prepare for a baby only you look nuts for doing so. I think you're SO normal. :)

I love the belly pic. Praying for the big day next week!

Fine family said...

Your not nuts or we all may be in white jackets soon! Here's to hoping our arms will be filled with our little angels soon!

Lindsay said...

Haven't gone through what you are going throuh, but I do get what you wrote. It completely makes sense and I'm glad you felt like you could write it down and share it.

Man that belly picture is amazing! :)

courtney rose said...

Beautiful picture! Beautiful, beautiful picture!

Autumn, I am sending hugs across the miles for you. This. is. painful.

xoxo,

Courtney

lori lls said...

Thanks for writing this. It makes a whole lot of sense. I hope it gives you at least an inkling of comfort knowing that many, many people are waiting and watching with you.

April said...

What a great Belly!
You are not crazy- this whole process is crazy. I was driving to work this morning and I was in a great mood. Bob Marley came on the radio and I cranked it up.
The song? "Three little birds" - The line? "Don't worry..about a thing..because every little thing, is gonna be alright"
My response? Start crying- out of control sobs- out of nowhere!
This process is too stressful!
We can do it. You almost there!!
From the brink...
April

Melissa and the boys said...

I thank you for sharing all of your thoughts with us. It is such an emotional journey that many of us will never go through or understand, but we all feel your pain and excitement with you. We think of Baby M everyday, I can't imagine what you are feeling. Thank you again for sharing!

Julie said...

I agree with you 100%. I have 2 children thru birth and I would tell anyone that the emotional pain of adoption is much worse than the physical pain of pregancy/birth. As well as most of it is out of our control which just adds to the pain.
Our court date is 2/18--praying for our baby girls to be here soon!

Ted and Lori said...

Who was it who told me recently that someone told her something like, "At least when you adopt, you don't have to worry about the baby..." What a clueless, clueless thing to say. As if mothers only worry about the baby in their own wombs and not the baby living thousands of miles away being cared for by people she's never met... Gah.
I say: let it out.